Cat had a tourny Sat at Alamo City Sports-complex. While walking in with Addie, I swear I saw someone I knew. Instantly, my stomach dropped, and my heartbeat raced. The oxygen was light. No one noticed my hidden drama. I berated myself and became very self aware. I knew it was impossible, yet I could not push it from my thoughts. I tried to engage myself in my daughter’s game and the conversation on the stands, but it consumed me.

Happy 13th birthday to my first daughter who keeps me on my toes and makes me work hard for your love. Catalina, you are AMAZINGLY independent and strong. I love that you go after what you want without fear! I know teenage years are so hard, and you’re finding which skin to live in. Know that I pray every day God takes care of you and helps you find your way.

I have loved you since day one and will love you always without fail! 💕Happy Birthday Kitcat!!!


**I would be freaking out that you are an official teenager, but I’m pretty sure you’ve been a teen since you were three.

My girls are happy. I didn’t go overboard with the gifts. They are getting older and want more expensive smaller things. They received equal gifts and I did not run out of tape or paper. A real fear I have every year. I told Cat about Santa. Sigh. She said she didnt care not that she knew. My eyes filled with tears. I apologized many times for the truth. It was time but who the hell says really! Addie still believes and Cat can see that magic in her. I’m so sorry I took that from her. Today was hard for me. Too much time to think. too many hidden tears.

I don’t know how I get through it, but I know being busy is so much easier than idle thinking. Elfie has a new friend this Christmas Gabbie Gumdrop who I am glad are returning to NP. Deviants they are. They are a huge distraction who occupy my thoughts at night. During the days leading up to today both girls have multiple practices every day during the week. not to mention I coach and teach which keeps me exhausted.

Yesterday Frank turned 50 so I planned and cleaned for a small family dinner against his wishes. Frank gave me grief the entire time. He didnt want a party but my in laws wld never had let me live it down if I didn’t have a celebration. Frank said my cleaning was overboard. I just responded with I think you mean to say TY. I’m married to a 50yo. Yikes that sucks!! Christmas Eve. The day my dad left us. Wrapping, cooking, making it magical for my girls. I have to find a time to see MIL before church, OLG Christmas mass at Padrottis at 4, dinner at my mom’s. Everyone holding it in the best we know how. Tomorrow is the big day. Gifts must be equal and produce wide eyes and loud thank yous!! I’m hoping I can stay home and play with all my toys in my new pjs (pjs was on my list). Then it happens... Cat turns 13 the day after Christmas. Addie has a horse riding lesson, Cat has 6pm practice and then a late dinner at Walk Ons to celebrate our teenager! Sheesh!! Friday we have two private clinics and Cat has her first vball tourny on Sat.

I just need to keep busy, so I don’t miss my dad and worry if I’m not enough. I especially will not dwell on the reality I only have five more years before Cat physically leaves me and Addie will be a teenager too! Sadness. Addie knows my pain when she said, “Momma, it’s so hard to be good this Christmas because of puberty.” Christmas is hard for us all Addie.

Raising a teenager is like having a toddler all over again but not so cute sans all the hugs and cuddles. It sucks bad! Like seriously. All I remember is my fearless risk taker who never cared about her looks. Friends’ attention were monkey bar stunt buddies not life or death. My kid was NOT afraid to be herself or try anything once. Now you never know who you are going to pass in the hall. And how is it that I breathe wrong now?

15th week of work
10 days left till Christmas break.
yesterday wake up time 5:25am
Drive in dark to Seguin
Watched the sun warm the sky
715am court time in Seguin
Addie Little Xtreme 11s
first tournament of the season
Maggie and I coach
Only two practices with proper rotations
switching front and back. LMR
deer in a headlights for many girls
chaos and confusion as to be expected
no other team was playing 6-2 with positions
we went 2-1 (6-3 sets)
played the other pool’s 2nd for 3rd.
but I say second.
No medals no glory
Our girls worked a game
taught a 10 year to keep the books.

Cat had her beginning season
basket tourny
i missed it *sigh*
16-17 loss to Rawlingson
36-32 win Vale
cat caught an elbow
in the eye
swollen and milking
suck it up
possible shiner
tough attention

Drive an hour bk
for the opening season
OLG basketball game
We beat StMat 28-16
Addie played three quarters
i assist my BIL Carl in coaching
i swear I was going to be too tired
to enthusiastically interject
on the contary
basketball wakes you up
and turns you into a yelling fool
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