My girls are happy. That’s all that should matter. I just hope they make better choices than I did. Please Lord, let them have more than me, better than me.

15 hour drive to Lakewood CO for Natl bid qualifying tournament. We had our first lost. Went 5-2. Drove to Copper Mountain with teammates. Had some freezing fun!! Love seeing my kids happy. Cat threw up from 1:30am-4pm (time change) Started off as altitude sickness then car sickness then can’t stop dry heaving. Poor baby used up all my ziplocks.

There’s still hope. The check is in the mail still. There is always an angle. How can I gain an advantage over you. How can I benefit from this situation. How much money are you willing to give me. What do I have to do to gain from this moment. How far can I step to the edge. Until you can’t talk your way out of it. But you are still talking your way out. An international field broker called me letting me know there’s still an angle. I am so angry at your selfishness. Your greed and gluttony. You could be so much more.

You are so much more. You laugh at yourself. You create your own language. You make us laugh like no other. You love hard in the moment. You were there to tell it straight. But always was on my side. If only you learned your lesson. If only you could see others first. There’s still hope.

I knew this day would come. I am not surprised or shocked although it still hurts like hell. I feel like our family has been broken. I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do to help. I don’t know how I am going to tell her. It will destroy her. I know it will. Our family needs prayers.

I turn 42 tomorrow. I am happy with the person I am. There’s always room for improvement of this I am certain. I enjoy silence and solitude. My daughters love and respect me. I am better person now than I ever was. I’m not scared or bummed about getting older. I don’t hold on to regret. I look to live in the positive but can’t ignore the pain. I miss my dad and you. My life is already chosen and yet there’s so much I can’t control. I wish there was more time to read and my students appreciated me more. I wish someone could really see all the work I do as a teacher, a mom, a coach at desperately trying to be a good person. I no longer think or plan for my future. I take it one day at a time. I focus on each decision and thought as they come. I try to be cordigal and hold back the sarcastic jokes. I pay attention to people’s reaction of me and care too much for those that shld not matter. I am a work in progress but have come so far. Would you recognize me now? I doubt it. You would seek the old me that lived and loved freely. That girl is gone, and I am all that remains.

I want you to drive me late at night to the beach, so I can sit in the sand, watch the stars and hear heaven.

I remember a time when I would sit and watch the sun change colors through my window. The changing hues dancing on my walls. I was thirsty for life then. Sucking the marrow out of every moment; never quite getting enough. The setting sun only brought promise. Now days are rarely still, but I remember those moments and long for yesterday.