Now is another time or it’s never again

I know it sucks bad to be left in silence and discarded.

clpsa@me.com

i am grateful to be able to slow down and focus on what’s most important. Time spent with my girls.
cat and I are watching two shows together: All American and Reign. She picked one and so I did I
I know every time Addie constructs a new dwelling or adopts a new flying let on Roblox.

Girls mostly entertain themselves and the house is quiet. I am grateful for the quiet.
my girls are spending downtown together without being asked. Even if they are doing their own thing on their devices, they are aide by side.
The girls had their first fight and we worked it out.

i have deep cleaned almost every corner of my house.
my girls have time for chores and reading.

i am a better teacher. I have learned new long distance tech applications and new ways to teach.
I am more appreciated by the community. Parents can now see it isn’t always or hardly ever the teacher’s fault.
Y dream to be able to teach my girls has come true.
I am able to share all my time management and work load management tricks and trade with both girls. They are buying in. Agenda do work!!!

The girls are begging me to help them with schoolwork. Today, Cat says she’s does better when I help her. I DEF don’t give them answers no matter how much they beg and they do. But I help them search for the answers and actively learn the information. Succession, probability, capacity and weight. Mastery!

We broke ground on our ranch house yesterday and I was there to see it. Roads and coverts have been widened and site guy staked out our exact location. We close on May 4th then it takes off.

Our tiny transitional house was just a place to crash between practices and tournaments. Now it feels lived in and I take ownership.

The girls take turns baking with me. So far we have made 4 cheese cakes, banana bread BUST, two cakes chocolate with white frosting and yellow with chocolate frosting, three batches of cookies, chocolate cream pie and many many many many breakfasts, dinners and lunches.

We are grateful we both still have our jobs and can donate to the SA food bank and tip our shipt and door dash heroes well. We are trying to help mom and pops shops every chance we get.

I appreciate and am inspired by janitors and grocery workers who continue to do their job in the face of panic and unrest. Little Frank is my Walmart Deli Hero!

I know exactly where my girls are and I can keep them safe inside our pumpkin shell. Every night we pray for nurses and doctors and their children. They sacrifice for others every day.

I am in awe how quick some stepped up to help others in need. HEB holds a special place in my heart. To all the ladies making face masks, may your path to heaven be sewn with golden thread.

I understand without a doubt how important it is to never take normal for granted again because life can change in a matter of moments even when the president pretends it’s not happening. lol

This Easter was the first one in a long time I didn’t ache missing my dad. This Easter was so different than normal Easters. it was easier to not dwell on his absence. I have always longed for lazy holidays without all the loud drama and mess.

I was prepared. I had shopped three weeks early for their basket goodies. Dre Beats for me ... I mean Cat’s schooling and Our Generation camping gear for Addie. I made a turkey with all the sides like Thanksgiving for lunch. No rush to go anywhere. We took plates and plants to the isolated grandmas. My mom stayed behind her burglars bars while my MIL set out chairs 10+ feet away.

During the early evening, I made an indoor scavenger hunt with clues for the girls. They both thanked me afterward. Sweet girls. It was a slow and quiet holiday. The ones I usually dream of but realize now are not near as good as I imagined. I miss my family and every bit of our dysfunction. I am grateful we are still in good health.

I have a show and tell Zoom PLC mtg today with our brand new principal! Yikes. I won’t say what I first offer showing them, but there’s this book.

One day after my parents returned from one of their endless exotic vacations, my dad said, “I read this book on vacation. I really liked it. You should read it,” and handed me his book. At the time, I thought it was super cool, and I was excited to read it, so put it TBR bookcase. My dad is gone now.

I thought about the book soon after his death and searched for it one weekend. Tore my place up. I went through every corner of my house desperate to find the only book my dad gave me. It was gone.

I was heartbroken but vowed to buy a another copy and read it one day. My dad has been gone 10 years this Christmas Eve. I’ve since moved and one random day on my bookshelf is my dad’s book.

​When I mention loss in my posts, it is always about my dad. He is my only true loss.

I have been having end of the world dreams. I’m always packing in panic or nearly escaping sometime running away or barely swimming to save my life. And I am always looking for one daughter in desperation. As soon as I wake in fear and panic, I try my best to relax my breathing and imagine God spreading his light inside me. I pray hard. It usually works but sometimes you make an appearance in my dreams and it haunts me. I replay it over and over. I never go back to sleep. I spend my days after that forcing an ending to my dream. It never works though. It never feels done. It’s never within reach.

We made it through week two of distance learning and teaching. Cat says she loves checking off her completed work, and Addie can access GC all by herself now. We are settling into a weekly work schedule. It’s a lot of of work to balance.

This week, I hunted down almost all my students and answered 97 of the same questions through email and comments. It hasn’t been easy, and I know I have it way better than those on the frontline battling the invisible enemy every day or those not sure how they are going to feed their family. Even though I am super stressed and very tired trying to make it all work, I must remain positive and appreciate the small moments. Today after three weeks in quarantine, my girls hung out together for a significant amount of time 💕 That hasn’t happened for some time.

I know these times are scary, but we must try to make the best of our situation. We must be grateful for what we have in front of us, God’s grace.

Do you understand petty. Bc that’s what I want to be. My day was silent and today you come looking. Getting what you need and leave me empty. Nothing has changed and I am left the fool once again.

I’ve been leaving the grocery shopping to Frank. It’s just been our way. He says I spend too much and I hate the social setting of HEB PLUS. His fav line is “we can always go back” Today I got up and risked my life at HEB. Walking up to the long line outside made me feel like I live in a communist society. Limitations on eggs, milk, meat. Most of the time, I like to think I am a sane collective person, but today was the closest to a panic attack I have ever been. People were swarming and the shelves were empty. No coffee, no beans, no rice, no lemonade. no dishwashing liquid. I did get last package of TP. I spent $300 and cried all the way home. I hate that I scared my girls walking in with a blotchy red face. Addie picked up on it and yelled at me for no buying doughnuts. No doughnuts. I yelled bk to not be ungrateful. Frank was the one to point out that was her way of showing stress. It was a terrible experience. I hate how scary the world is. I need this to be over.