So every night after I put the girls to sleep I lay in bed and watch tv, read my nook or surf the web. My kitty cat snuggles with me in the warmth. Frank doesn't get home till the middle of the night and he hates my cat. Pure jealousy. When the cat hears movement coming up the stairs, she sits up straight and listen intently down the hall. As soon as she's certain Frk is outside the door, she bolts off the bed and hides underneath. She moves super fast. It always feels like I'm doing something wrong; caught in bed. As soon as she hears Frk snore, she jumps back up in bed and nuzzles between my legs. Sly cat.
"Do you mean to say, that if I believe in your story as you have told it, then it is as good as if it were true?"
Addie is asleep in her own bed. It was painless tonight. I'm not a bad momma after all. Thank you Jesus for seeing us through this. There's just one more thing....
I leave for NY on Thurs. I'll be gone FOUR days. It's my 40th bday gift. My mom turned 70 so we are going together with my sister and my aunt, my mom's sister. Sisters trip. I've NEVER been away from my girls. The longest I've been away from Cat is two nights when was having Addie. They occasionally stay at a cousins or at their grandmas, but we are talking one night maybe twice a year. I think I might line the streets of NY with my tears. I'm going to miss my babies so much. I'm so worried that they will be sad. Please Jesus give them strength and comfort to know that their momma wil be home soon and I'll never leave them again. If I had my choice, I wld have chosen a vacation with them. Some cabin in mountains in NC or a dude ranch in Montana. This is something I was persuaded into doing. I knew I wld regret not going with my mom. But I also know I will prob regret going the entire time. Ok that's not nice or true. Maybe just a little. UG this is going to be so hard. We can do this. my favorite version so far. Phill Collins is a close second
We had a really really bad night. It was one of the worst nights as a parent that I've ever had. Addie is traumatized bc of the hail storm on Aptil 12th. She's goes to bed crying every night saying she doesn't want to sleep alone. She is constantly pulling up weather bug radar and has anxiety when she sees green or blue or yellow over our pin. For the first week after the storm, I've let her crawl into bed with me. Nights that it rained were especially hard. Lately I've been letting her sleep in her sister's room on a sofa. I showed her how to pray if she feels worried. So she prays with white knuckles pleading for God to not let it rain. sigh that wasn't what I meant.
Last night I had to put a stop to it. It wasn't a good place for her to sleep and I felt I was enabling her irrational fear. We talked about it. We prayed about it. But I was firm in my decision she was going to sleep in her own bed as she has done for the last four years. She screamed like I've never heard her scream before. Catalina stated crying and covering her ears. She never cries. I tried to have patience and empathy, but it didn't work nor last. I tried warnings, and morning consequences and threatened to spank. I could tell my anger only escalated the situation so I stopped. I stopped talking completely. Not another word from me. I rocked her for a moment. And she calmed. I layed down with her till she fell asleep, but it all started up again when I tried to leave. Of course Frank was at work, but I'm sure if he was home it wld have only made things worse. He doesn't posses empathy. Just hard love. Finally I layed on the floor next to her bed. I remembered that technique when you're trying to get your toddler to sleep in their own crib. Every night you move closer to the door. You don't engage. You don't speak. You just slowly move closer to the other side of the door. It killed me to not just let her sleep with me, or to not comfort her when all she wanted was for me to make her feel safe. I felt like a terrible mother. I cried silent tears on that floor. I hated every minute of last night. But I knew if I gave into her, then she would be afraid forever. Finally at about 11:00, 2.5 hours of drama, she fell asleep. Like a thief in the night, I crept out of her room. I went to my bed exhausted. She woke up two more times that night asking to check the weather bug. The first time I said no and put her bk in bed. She just came bk begging. I gave in and I let her see that it wasn't going to rain and she went bk to her room. This morning she apologized through tears. I only praised how brave she was for staying in her bed the rest of the night. Of course it's suppose to rain ALL day and ALL week. It's so hard being a mommy. sometimes the memeories feel so real. Like I can reach my hand out and touch them. As if time was just confused for a moment but finally caught up. My heart becomes full and my laughter returns. My works is clear until the fog retirns and my eyes are clouded with tears. The familiar heart break tears me apart all over again. I know I can never go bk.
I believe my heaven will make up for this suffering. When I can live without loss or limit. |
Archives
April 2020
Categories
All
|